Then and Now. 2020 vs 2021.

Hey, hi, hello.

Its about time I started blogging more (or you know, at all), so here we are, and where better to kick off than looking back at the last year during the panorama. I had started a blog almost exactly a year ago addressing different styles of shooting I was trying out since we were in isolation (for the first time). I had started trying out different types of photography since I couldn’t very well continue having people in my home studio.“ Now, I’m a boudoir photographer. I am used to sharing space and energy with the beautiful humans who allow me to photograph them. Since the pandemic started, clearly that’s been a big no-no, so I’ve been trying to keep active in dabbling in other sorts of photography that are safe.“  

Not having the ability to photograph other people I first tried my hand at nature/landscapes. By landscapes I mean the grassy area near the community storm pond – very outdoorsy I know. “Can’t photograph people anymore and nature is gorgeous literally everywhere. There’s a small pond and treed area near my house where I like to walk my dog, its usually fairly empty. Since we’ve all been kept away from one another, these spaces have been utilized by families just trying to get some fresh air and spend time together, so I’ve been taking my dog there less (he’s old and likes his quiet when we’re out). I have however started walking there with my camera every so often to try to get some shots of the birds as the fly from the patches of reeds, or the reflection of the full moon on the water. Its peaceful and has become a habit I hope to keep up with when I am able to safely do boudoir photography again.” Turns out I have kept most of this habit. I try to go for a walk almost every evening around that pond, but I don’t take my camera anymore. Its sounds odd for a photographer to say, but I genuinely enjoy my walks more when I can just turn my brain off and observe the little slice of nature without the lens. Plus any photo I’ve taken of that big beautiful moon never did her any justice – your girl needs to get specific lenses for that.

Branching off slightly from my attempts at nature photography, I had also started taking photos of the empty spaces that used to be buzzing but had since been marked off at the beginning of last years shutdown; the swing sets with caution tape marking them off for instance. It bothered me then; “This one hit me the most, seeing the play structures usually swarming with happily screaming kids struck a nerve, and I don’t even have kids. I went out for a walk one evening to take pictures by the pond near my house, on my way back I passed a school which has been shut down and the playground taped up and couldn’t help but gingerly walk around and think of the little pitter patter of happy feet that this place has been denied for weeks.” And it bothers me now looking back at the photos I had taken. I’m not about to open a discussion on what restrictions were or were not necessary – that’s not what this is about- but I don’t even have kids and picturing all the little ones at home, unable to run and play made me honestly pretty sad, as I’m sure those kids and their families were even more so, and the images I had taken just reminds me of that.

One very cute (and sometimes heartbreaking) thing that came out of all this was how several neighborhood kids had taken to writing little messages on the sidewalks. “The messages left by children and their families are uplifting and crushing. I have watched a family write the word “smile” in large purple letters at a crosswalk which, at first did make me smile. Then every evening as I walked over the same sidewalk the letters wore down and eventually washed away, causing me to wonder if those kids were still able to keep smiling, or had that washed away for them too? “ Sad stuff right? They have recently started doing it again in full force too. Almost every stretch of sidewalk and pathway have little messages to “Keep going” or “Stay positive” or one of my personal favorites read simply “Taco Tuesday” – this kid had priorities and I am here for it. Over the course of the year, I personally feel a bit embarrassed about my previous senility over the “Smile” message I mentioned before – its shown me that these kids and their families are way more resilient than I originally gave them credit for, and I am so happy I was able to take some shots of their sidewalk artwork.

Lastly, the dreaded self portraits. I still try to take some every now and then but hot damn trying out this type of photography last year was really something…” I tried, but its not about me. I don’t like it being about me, its about you and I miss that. Now, to be clear this has been very therapeutic in a different way. I cant connect with other humans right now, so this has allowed me to connect with myself, the same way I try to connect with you. It helped me see myself in different moods, different movements and the one I struggled with the most how my body really looks. Like many, I often struggle with my self image (I’m only human), and seeing myself through the eyes I usually save for the people around me was both liberating and heartbreaking. Not being slender doesn’t make me any less beautiful than those who are. Having freckles doesn’t make my skin look imperfect, they are hella cute. Taking photos of myself reawakened how much I truly miss being able to work with other people in such a personal and vulnerable way. I miss gushing at my clients about how bloody amazing their tattoos are, how gorgeous their dimples are, how their stretch marks tell a story of how they got here, and its beautiful – all of it.” To be clear, I still have a lot to work on with how I see myself, but this has certainly helped me be gentler with how I speak to myself. I genuinely see each of my clients as being simply remarkable, not despite their so-called “flaws”, but because of them. Your stretch marks, scars, tattoos, weight, hair colour etc. tell your specific story, just like mine do. We might want to change things about ourselves, and that’s normal, hell its good to have healthy goals, but we should not lose sight of the fact that the body’s we occupy right now are deserving of love and praise. We’re over a year into this parallelogram, the body that has gotten you through this deserves your kindness, give it to her.